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最終更新日 : 2012/01/30 (Mon) 08:53
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最終更新日 : 2012/01/30 (Mon) 08:53
最終更新日 : 2012/01/30 (Mon) 08:53
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
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Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Either he\'s dead or my watch has stopped.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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I\'m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn\'t have an air force.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Mit der Dummheit k?mpfen G?tter selbst vergebens
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn\'t understand me.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It\'s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can\'t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
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Copy from one, it\'s plagiarism; copy from two, it\'s research.
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Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
It\'s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they\'re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Oh for pity\'s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I\'ll waste no time reading it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn\'t understand me.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it\'s more likely to be female.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I\'m not a member of any organized political party, I\'m a Democrat!
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
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We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
If it wasn\'t for lawyers, we wouldn\'t need them.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other\'s children.
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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
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The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
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The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
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Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A man can\'t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
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I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
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The truth is more important than the facts.
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It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
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The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
Build a man a fire, and he\'ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he\'ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
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Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
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What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don\'t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that\'s my position.
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Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
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A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
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Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don\'t need to be done.
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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
I am not young enough to know everything.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
If it wasn\'t for muscle spasms, I wouldn\'t get any exercise at all.
If you\'re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
Raymond\'s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
It\'s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I\'m Jewish. I don\'t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I\'m trying to see things from your point of view but I can\'t get my head that far up my ass.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
The difference between \'involvement\' and \'commitment\' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was \'involved\' - the pig was \'committed\'.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/17/(Tue) 16:43
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